


Give Away My Secrets

by Arisprite



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Cuddling fixes a lot, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FTM Victor, Gender Fluid Victor, Kubo-sensei's world is a wonderful place, M/M, Much Comfort, No Descrimination, No Homophobia, Sharing, Vaguely post canon, Warnings in the notes, also, but some heavy stuff discussed ahead by the characters, headcanons about Yuuri's dancing specifically the story of pole dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 12:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8845804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arisprite/pseuds/Arisprite
Summary: "Tell me something you've never told anyone." A light hearted game reveals some truths that both Victor and Yuuri have never shared with anyone besides each other. It just proves that cuddling can heal a lot, and it's easier to wipe tears away when wrapped in the warm arms of a lover.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm putting the notes at the beginning, because I do not want to offend or shock anyone with this fic. I wasn't even going to write it, but I literally had a dream that started it, and then I couldn't stop drafting the story in my head the whole day at work. I think I've managed to bring what could have been heavy angst to something somewhat healing, and I dearly hope that I didn't offend or hurt anyone, and that someone can connect with this little piece. 
> 
> This was written with Kubo-sensei's words in mind, that this is a world with no discrimination because of who someone chooses to love, or (I assume) what gender they are or present. It's very easy to think of Victor as non-binary, gender fluid, or female - to - male for me. In fact, in the very first scene, I had the thought the cut where his long hair changes to short was meant to represent something along those lines anyway. I'm not trans and it was never my intention to offend with my interpretation. It's also not really my firm headcanon, I present it mixed up with a bunch of my headcanons anyway. 
> 
> Since Victor and Yuuri are sharing secrets, things get a little bit dark, so here are the content warnings. 
> 
> (All warnings are in the past for the characters and are discussed but not dwelt on): Depression, mention of a character being possibly suicidal in the past, implication of underage sexual activity, abortion and the implication that it wasn’t completely by choice, implication of body dysmorphia because of a pregnancy, though it’s very faint. Very vague implication of infertility. Please please please let me know if I missed something. 
> 
> And now the story. For some reason, this one was begging to be written.

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.” 

The game started lightheartedly, giggling deep into the night. Yuuri and Victor were curled up with each other, with only the dim lights of the stars coming in through the window in Victor’s bedroom in Hosetsu. Makkachin was snoozing by their feet. Victor had whispered the question; it was so like him to ask that, and with tiredness and giddy joy loosing his lips, Yuuri was happy to oblige. 

“I am really good at video games,” Yuuri had said, and gotten scolded because surely someone knew about that one. “You tell me something then.” 

Victor hummed. “I hate borscht.” 

“Some Russian you are,” Yuuri replied, sassy, and Victor poked him. 

“Your turn.” 

Yuuri sighed, and turned to look at the ceiling. “I really love pole dancing,” he said, feeling his face flush. Victor laughed, delighted. 

“Well, you are quite skilled. How did you learn?”

“Nope, you first.” 

Victor pouted. “Hm, let’s see. As a child, I wanted a poodle because I liked the one my favorite character in a TV had. So, see I understand.” 

Yuuri smiled. “That’s adorable.” 

“Okay, tell me, tell me.” Victor shook him a little, bouncing on the bed. Yuuri wrapped his arm across his chest to keep him still. 

“I can’t say I wasn’t interested - I knew the strength and skill it took, but the atmosphere was definitely intimidating. I first went to showcase at university. It was advertised for the exercise, and they definitely pushed the non-sexy angle-” 

“Boring,” Victor interrupted, and Yuuri shrugged his shoulder. 

“They were looking for people like me, who’d be interested but were nervous. Okay, your turn.” 

“Aw, I want to hear more of the story!” 

“We were sharing trivia, not stories,” Yuuri said, and Victor humphed, and put a finger on his lips, thinking. 

“Okay, I know three languages! Four if you count my lackluster Japanese.” 

Yuuri narrowed his eyes, not that it made a difference with no glasses, and in the dark. 

“Victor, that was in a magazine. Russian, English, and French, right?” 

“It was?” Victor asked, sounding flabbergasted. Yuuri nodded, laughing. “Oh.” 

“I’ll count it though, since you want to hear the rest of the story. It actually starts earlier than that, I think…”

The mood dimmed suddenly, as Yuuri tensed up, remembering that time. His first year in college.

“I had just left home. Eighteen and foreign and even shyer than I am now. I had a hard time.”

Yuuri felt more than saw Victor’s eyes open wider, listening intently even as they cuddled. 

“I thought I had a good grasp of English, but it’s hard to be immersed in it, and completly alone. America is… a lot. Everything was fast, and loud and expensive. And the classes were even worse. I barely scraped by with my grades, and they put me in remedial English courses.” 

Yuuri felt bad for bringing the tone down, but the story was beginning to spill out of him. 

“I didn’t talk to anyone. And I was beginning to not see the point in even trying. Skating was so hard then, even though I’d been good in Japan. I couldn’t manage to qualify in anything, and Celestino hadn’t figured out how to work with my anxiety in the least. I wanted to go home… or barring that, I just wanted to, to stop.” Yuuri swallowed, and continued clinically. “Looking back, I can see that I was close to being suicidal, though that didn’t actually occur to me, thank god.” 

Victor made a sad little noise, and squeezed him tightly, and Yuuri squeezed back, smiling against a tight throat. 

“I’m okay now, Victor, I promise. But anyway, I didn’t talk much to my roommates, (this was before I met Phichit) but they knew I was a figure skater, and a dancer. So, one of them was a TA for a ballroom dancing class on campus, and he needed more guys. He asked me to come, since he figured I’d be able to follow along well enough. I could afford to add 2 credits to my schedule, so I went.”

There was a pause, and Yuuri noticed that Victor was so still, almost holding his breath, and so Yuuri rubbed a hand on his back. 

“I don’t even remember his name, but he saved my life.” Yuuri whispered. “I started dancing again. I loved it, all kinds. I felt like I could open up in those studios, and be myself, even if I didn't speak English well still. I took ballroom, latin and standard, and then moved on to jazz, tap, contemporary, more ballet, though I was too advanced for the classes. I learned break dancing, various ethnic dances. I can’t even remember all the types. I added dance as a double major with my business degree, and squeezed whatever I could in around skating. I could coach dance if I wanted to.” 

“Wow, Yuuri! I knew you were good, but that’s amazing!” Victor said. “But you still haven’t told me about the pole dancing.” 

Yuuri smiled, and nuzzled his face into Victor’s chest, feeling exposed. “Aren’t we supposed to be taking turns?” 

Victor hummed, disgruntled, before he went quiet. Yuuri assumed he was thinking again. Yuuri supposed it might be hard. Victor was generally very open. He didn’t get easily embarrassed, and he’d told a lot of trivia to the press already. What secrets could he have kept to himself?

He was quiet for a long time, and Yuuri was wondering if he was falling asleep, when Victor swallowed noticeably, and suddenly his body went tense. Yuuri was about to sit up and look at him, but he held him tighter, holding him in place. 

“Yuuri… you told me something hard, and I want to do the same. But I’ve never told anyone this who didn’t already know… bear with me?” 

Yuuri’s eyes widened against Victor’s shirt, and he nodded firmly into his shoulder. 

“Of course, Victor,” he said, and he felt Victor take a deep breath. 

“Y-you know I was born Victoria, correct? That was in the magazines.” 

Yuuri nodded, wondering where this was going. Yes, an early fact of Victor’s life, one that had been passed over as he won gold after gold, was that he was assigned female at birth. He’d transitioned early, and hardly anyone remembered it. 

Victor took another shuddering breath. “I was fifteen. I hadn’t fully transitioned yet, and at that time, I didn’t really have a gender preference, though I knew I wanted to compete in the men’s ranks. I started feeling sick…” 

Yuuri could feel Victor’s heart racing. 

“I was pregnant.” 

There was a beat of silence, and then Yuuri whispered. “Victor…” because there was so much implied in that sentence. Yuuri knew that Victor hadn’t taken a season off when he was in Juniors. There was no child in his life. 

Victor continued. “The father was another skater, a little older than me. Just stupid teenagers, the both of us. Our coaches … encouraged…” he broke off. “I didn’t keep it. But sometimes, I think...” 

Victor was having a hard time getting the words out, and his voice was thick. 

“I don’t regret that, not really. My life, my plans would have been completely overturned. I wanted to skate, and so I did. But, it still…”

“Hurts?” Yuuri breathed, and Victor nodded, once. “Oh, Victor…” 

He squeezed Victor back, in a tight hug. Victor clung to him, breathing shallowly for a long moment, before he pulled back with a little huff. 

“Well, that game got quite sad, didn't it?” he said, his voice rough. 

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said, reaching nearly blindly for Victor’s cheek, wishing he could see his face better. He brushed his hair back, and felt warm moisture, so he wiped those away too. “I’m sorry, my love.” 

Victor sniffed. “It’s okay. Things worked out. After all,” he laughed and it was only a little wet. “If I’d had a child, I may never have met you.” 

“And the world would have never known Victor Nikiforov.” 

“I believe the world would have been fine.” 

“I wouldn’t have been,” Yuuri replied without thinking, and Victor gasped in a tiny bit, before leaning forward to find Yuuri’s lips. 

“I’m sure you would have been,” Victor murmured against his lips. “But, thank you, my dear.” 

Yuuri hummed, feeling exhausted after all the emotional revelations of the night. Then Victor started. 

“Oh, you never finished your story. Don’t fall asleep and try to get out of it!” 

Yuuri chuckled, and got a little more comfortable against Victor’s chest, before he mumbled. 

“Okay, okay. So, there was a show at the school, and I went. The dancers were amazing. I could tell they were strong, dedicated, and passionate about it - they felt the same way about it that I did about skating. I ended up talking to one of them afterwards, and she invited me to a class she taught. Looking back, she was probably hitting on me, but as you know, I am oblivious to that sort of thing.”

“Oh, don’t I know it…” Victor fake mourned, his chest jumping with laughter. 

“Well, I learned some moves, and I liked it, I really did. Still, I wasn’t getting credit from that, and I had a lot on my plate, so I was ready to call it quits, when…” and here is when Yuuri’s face flamed. Yuuri was actually surprised that Victor’s shirt hadn’t caught fire. 

“An opening came up at the club she worked at…” 

Victor was still for a moment. Then he sat up, nearly shoving Yuuri over in the process. 

“Are you saying that you were a stripper in college, Yuuri?” he gasped, his voice hovering somewhere between delight and shock. Yuuri buried his face into his pillow, entire body burning with embarrassment. 

“Tuition is expensive!” he moaned, and Victor leaned down to hear better. 

“What was that?” he demanded. “Yuuri, I must know.” 

Yuuri sighed, and flopped over, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“I was a dancer, a few nights a week. It was a classy club, I guess. I had loans already, and America is ridiculously expensive. So, I told Celestino and Phichit that I got a night job with a flexible schedule and… paid my way through college.” 

Victor was silent, before he gave a mighty laugh, and fell down onto the bed beside him, holding his stomach. Yuuri removed his arm, and glared at him. 

“Oh, I’m not laughing at you,” Victor said, a wide smile belying his words. “I’m just surprised. I mean, I figured you had taken classes, and you were quite skilled, but I didn’t think to make the jump to you actually performing regularly.” 

“I was good.” Yuuri pouted. 

“I know you are,” Victor placated. “Did you enjoy dancing?”

Yuuri nodded reluctantly. “The performance nerves weren’t nearly as bad since no one knew my real name. I just played a part. And I could work a little drunk usually too…” 

“Oh Yuuri, my love,” Victor said, glomping him, and ruffling his hair. “I’m so pleased to know that about you. Thank you for telling me. All of it.” 

Yuuri breathed out, and kissed Victor’s shoulder, the closest bit of him. 

“You too. I’m glad you told me that.” 

They lapsed into a warm silence, shifting against each other to get comfortable. Their hands had found each other, rings clinking together softly, when Yuuri spoke up again, unsure if he should, but unable to fall asleep with it pressing on his mind. 

“Victor?” he said, and Victor hummed, pulling his face out of Yuuri’s shirt. 

“Mm, yes?” 

“Do you want kids?” he asked, and Victor stilled again. It wasn’t nearly the deathly, petrified frozen form he’d been before, though. 

“It’s impossible now,” Victor murmured, and Yuuri half shrugged, rubbing his thumb across Victor’s knuckles. 

“We could adopt.” 

Now Victor raised his head, finding his gaze in the darkness. 

“We… could adopt, couldn’t we?” he said, and that adorable, childlike smile lit up the room, his teeth white in the darkness. Yuuri couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Of course we could,” Yuuri confirmed, and Victor pressed his entire body on top of Yuuri’s in a bear hug. 

“Oh, Yuuri, you’re too amazing!” he said, muffled by his own squeezing. “Okay. Someday, let’s do that.” 

“Alright,” Yuuri said, smiling wide, even as his tiredness returned. His eyes were growing heavy, and Victor was a great human sized paper weight. 

“Good night, my love,” Victor murmured right by his ear. 

“Good night.”


End file.
